ONCE AND FOR ALL

“There was this one time he didn’t let me talk. I tried to tell him how I felt and the only thing I felt like doing was to sink to the ground and disappear. I became invisible and the only thing I heard was screaming and in my face or in the distance a pointing finger. Always I was to blame. Every argument was my fault, which is what he always said. I started to believe him. If I hadn’t done this or that maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so mad, maybe he hadn’t yelled, maybe he hadn’t hit me. But I deserved that purple-lish bruise, that’s what I thought. Then he got home one night and I was tired. He fell asleep in a second, and after a few hours, in the middle of the night I felt something on my back. “”common baby come to papa””, “what?”- I thought. And I said those two words: “I’m tired”. If I had only said “ok”. That is what I thought he wouldn’t have jumped on me, hurt me, mutilated me, and punched me. He wouldn’t have called me a bad woman that didn’t want to perform her “”duty””. But then he almost didn’t remember what he did until he saw my face. It took him a week to take me to a restaurant and mention that he was sorry it “”ended up in that”” but that I had to understand, I was doing wrong things and it was his duty to correct my actions. I always forgave him and came back. I was the one who was always wrong. That’s what I really believed. And since I started dating him I didn’t talk to my friends and family very much. What was I suppose to do? I was completely alone. I felt alone. And even if a bruise or insult became an occasionally, sometimes a regular, accessory; at the end, there he was saying he was the only one that loved me in this world; being there, with flowers, in a restaurant. I learned the meaning of “the look” when I did something wrong and watch out for it. I had a collection of long sleeve shirts to cover my arms and sun glasses to cover my eye circular man-made make-up. I could have end it, could have stopped it, but I always thought it was my fault and never looked for help. I couldn’t have ended once and for all, but domestic violence ended up with my life and today nobody remembers my name or my story.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Do something.

Did you know?

1/3 of American women and 1/4 of women worldwide will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime.

All the aggressor wants you to do it’s to keep quiet. Don’t become a victim of silence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline- in more than 50 languages available.
1−800−799−SAFE (7233)

If, well maybe...

If I was a normal girl, it would have been ok. If I wasn’t an overachiever maybe I would dream of white right now and would have been waiting for a prince and saviour. If I was complete, maybe I could give you my all without thinking I was losing myself. If I hadn’t been near death, maybe I wouldn’t value time and the fact that it doesn’t come back. If I wouldn’t be Miss Independent, I may have turned into a Ms. Dependent nobody wants. If I wouldn’t want to excel, maybe I could sleep more than 7 hours at night. If I really didn’t want to work for myself, well maybe I would be any other girl, missing that my mom would clean my clothes and my room. If I hadn’t worked since I could, maybe I would have been expecting my allowance. If I didn’t believe in God, well maybe I would be drinking out a bottle of wine I have to forget that I have $20 on the bank. If I didn’t believe I can do it, well maybe I would have gave up all my dreams because they seem harder every day. If I didn’t appreciate life, well maybe I would have gone to McDonalds or Burger King and had oversized a combo. If I didn’t had self-esteem, well maybe I wouldn’t have any problem becoming someone else. If I didn’t have strength and a willingness to fight, well maybe I would have lived in silence, making others design my own paths. If I didn’t appreciate what a bad person is, well maybe you would have been any other person and it would be ok if I changed my mind. If I hadn’t grown up so fast, well maybe I wouldn’t be longing having my youth. If I didn’t know better, I would think it was too late to change my fate. If I didn’t love you, well maybe I would be wearing a mask letting you believe everything was ok. If I didn’t appreciate the gifts of life, well maybe I would have a problem going on my own to the movies. If I didn’t think I could do it, well maybe I would still be sitting in my room waiting for some help. If I didn’t had any struggles, then I wouldn’t appreciate what it is a good fight. If I hadn’t being through what I’ve been through well simply I wouldn’t be me.

Time, goes by, so slowly

Time is my lover. I’m so obsessed with time and planning that sometimes it hurts my head: numbers, hours and names. It’s all there. I cannot stop planning. Sometimes I think I’m so multitasking that I have to ask myself, where is my time? Where is my ME time? As I analyze this year, a new housing, new university, new everything I wonder where did that go. Now, a few months too late I want to go to the movies, I want to hang out, I want to discover this city, I want to visit the bay, I want to look at the trees. Why now? Now? NOW!!!!!!! I had almost 7 months to do it, and didn’t. I had to find myself alone in the sidewalk looking up to the sky, seeing the shadows of the palm tree that was always there to bring me company. I had just discovered that she was alone also.

At the end of the day, you discover that you could be surrounded by people and feel left out, in a date with your own self. At the end of the day, the school days are over, the BA is over, you and your house are over, your college is over, your “singleness” is over, and you can never be back. That is why you have to answer yourself: what do I want to do? So that when time comes you will be able to handle your solitude with pride, with strength. I guess sometimes planning everything seems as the escape route of pain. You try to convince yourself you will know what will happen. And yes, you feel more secure, at the end, time still dies.

In general, I ask myself, what could I have done? Many questions travel my head at the same time the most secure things fall as a broken glass into my feet. It was in the news today. Time is passing, money is running out, jobs are being cut and difficult to find. I know. By the time I end the semester I will be considered homeless. I will be left out without a home, a structure. This is the time where creativity takes a stand and probability conquers planning. When the sun goes out and I’m alone, I will be in the same position as many people. Laying down, trying to sleep, waiting for a new day; without even realizing with our eyes shut we say goodbye, farewell, adios, to that day forever. Again, time flies, but it flies with us. Sometimes we see it, sometimes we don’t. Time and clocks are still ticking while we steal the Earth some air. There’s always hope towards a new day, even if we are just thinking of the future. Clocks will keep ticking; they will let you know you’re dying each day. I guess the question I ask myself and I ask you are: what will you do? How can you answer that without putting in jeopardy your life? How can you make sure that you don’t make the planning for the future, your constant present? What do you think time and that clock you see right now is telling you?

I’m dying to know, please acknowledge the clock is ticking and I don’t have much time.

Painting by Salvador Dalí

by: F@iry

Let's get physical

How much is too much? In a recent article published by Yahoo they expressed nine reasons explaining why people cheat. They reasons were:

1-Bored
2-Dependence
3-Confusion
4-Because they let you
5-Nurturing
6-Revenge
7-Confirmation of Attractiveness
8-The thrill
9-They don’t consider it cheating even though you might

For the explication of these nine reasons and the whole article click here

Reading this article I got to wonder, how importance is the physical part of the relationship. I questioned how much is too much or too less. How many times roles have defined who has the “right” to ask for it, versus the one that “should” please the other one because “they are supposed to”. Now what is “the physical” part of the relationship. What is cheating? If you are looking for a fling, non attachment, non compromise these questions may not make sense. But what about a serious committed relationship are these questions relevant, definitely.

The physical part of a relationship is relevant, very importance, but it’s not everything. If a serious committed relationship is the goal, then the question should be: “can I imagine myself with this person for a long time, without getting tired of their kisses, hugs, caresses and sex”. Now if the answer is yes, “can you imagine yourself with that person excluding the physical part?” I have had friends that have stayed in a relationship, often unhealthy, because they like “how they complement each other in bed”. Besides that, they have seen each other fighting, insulting each other, they cannot complete a conversation or have too much days that go by without it because if not fights become bigger. Now the main question is: how much is too much?

I have hated all my life hearing men in talk shows say that because they are men, and “they have needs that exceed women”, they “had the right to, and had to” cheat in order to complete their desire. Gender have been used as an excuse in sex, and has played and enormous role in how sex has developed in history. Even now that women have come out of their shelter and asked for physical expressions and contact, many are shadowed by these past that told them for centuries that they were made to please, not to be pleased in that area. Maybe that’s the reason, besides the fact that more women are working and work becomes the main area to find a lover, people are surprised to now that women cheat almost the same as men. Cheaters are something around 60% men, 40% women. Many cannot believe it.

Is it really the physical part the main reason why people cheat? If so, isn’t society giving too much attention to sex. Everybody is affected by the constant media and ads that swear on the motto: “sex sells”. If you not believe it, take a look at billboards and ads in a magazine, how much are they that have women almost naked, suggestive positions, things that look like parts of the body hidden in subliminal messages. For example:

Today is a day to ask yourself, how much is too much or too less? What do I want in that physical area? Do I want a man or women that are sweet in bed, but never give public kisses or hugs? Do I want this to be an important part of the relationship? Do I want to be spontaneous or would I prefer to have a quota of “x times per week”? Don’t be afraid to ask yourself these questions, know yourself. After you know what you want, don’t keep it to yourself, be ready and prepare yourself to scream those words that society has oppress for so many years in that area. Today come out and say: “I want this”. And if in a serious committed relationship dare to say also: today will be days where we will please each other, without being selfish ask, “What do you want?”

Friends

A new year has come and with that, new friendships. The reason we enjoy the holidays so much, most of the time, is for the company. Many people travel around the world to reunite with those that are "expected there"- and always there, more than by choice, by fate=family. But when those people are far, the ones that you always used to see or share information with, you understand how much they mean.

A real friend shouldn't be someone that just keeps you company, a friend should be able to know everything about you and still love you- as you are. A friend calls to say hi once in a while, doesn't leave you or stop talking to you when you make a mistake. It isn't about giving love and sharing time with the expectation of receiving something. A sincere desire of friendship would overcome any obstacle. Those friends would call whenever you where feeling down, at least they would show some interest on your interest. Again, the problem comes when they like some parts of you, instead of loving you for you, as a whole.

Some friends stop calling over distance, and you get to wonder if they were they only because they had to see you, instead because they wanted to. Sometimes you ask yourself, "how is it, that I'm surrounded by people and I feel so alone". Maybe you didn't make any friends, just company. Or you gave them that name too soon. Some call, some only write to you in facebook, some just send text messages, some never invite you to things even if your available and some, out of nowhere just call to check how are you.

If we come to the point in life, when we are busy and growing older but we receive that call or give it, we care. Computers and social networks (like facebook) have made us show our "love" by how many comments we leave, instead of quality time together. That is why, in this new year, with St. Valentine coming soon, I invite you to analyze which are your true friends. Even if they are a few, if you can count on them, certaintly your lucky. If by any chance you feel alone, rejected or you don't know how to start: write. Write to me, to anyone, but specially write a letter to yourself, so that you remember that you are blessed to be here, that you are worth a lot and that you have a lot to offer.

Do not let anyone, that is present or constantly missing- make you believe your unworthy. As we grow we should be able to look back and count our blessings.

So in this opportunity I take the time to acknowledge my friends, my true friends, and those that will come on the way. Also my parents and the people that crossed at some point my path. I want to thank them for all they did all those years while I was busy turning into me.