To be the one of many

There is one big problem with having a lot of interests; you can meet a lot of people that think you are awesome. Some people can’t handle complexities; they want a partner that fits a role given by example, society and TV series. But what happens to the people like me that cannot fill a mold? We are out of the box of what people want or expect; for some a problem, for others the reason we become “the one”.

I have come to realize at this point in my life, that a compromise that lasts forever is hard. That many people get scared when they see how complex I am; and that those that are attracted by the complex being I’ve become, have had one thing in common, think I will be with them forever. But most people that have said I am the one they were waiting for, make clear in some way, that I’m great for them; but are they great for me?

We fight every day with our SELF, and I put it in caps lock to make clear that our being, who we are is something we rarely spend time with. A lot of people I’ve seen have never stopped to question who they are. Maybe is a system, a system based on an economic system or a political strategy so that the media can feed you easily an opinion that is massively reproduced and that becomes “public opinion” that is moved only for election ballots. Maybe, companies want you to buy shit and in order to do so they always make you believe you don’t have enough or you aren’t enough and that buying stuff gives you some power that is not translated in self esteem. Maybe, your parents were denied a healthy childhood and when they had you they were more focused on your food and clothes (again material things) that your well being as a whole.

I believe in a holistic self; one composed by three aspects: physical, emotional and spiritual. When we deny one of those three there is a lack of balance; that’s what I have experienced or seen in others. I’m no expert of a subject of “the self”, but I have definitely had to encounter who I was and I meet myself everyday in the mirror. I didn’t do that all the time, many years I had to wake up in what everybody thought was a normal day and a normal life, to encounter a fight-with the world and for the world. I’ve been through things that many people will go through separately but that happened to me all in one lifetime and it’s ok; I think I know more because of that and that I use it in favor of what I feel is my purpose. However, I have come to the point were I have had to confront something I hadn’t looked much into: my age.

When I was 13 I tried to plan my life; now I know maybe I was trying to escape my present by focusing in the future. I was sure about one thing, my wish to have a great education in order to have options in my professional life. I wanted to do all degrees possible (till a PhD) and I wanted to make that my finishing personal line What I mean is, I always thought that my final graduation was actually a graduation from a personal individual life and that only having that finish line passed I could engage into someone else’s life. I planned to have a family, get married, kids, etc. only if I finished my degree. The crisis has come now, where I am a year from obtaining that line, and instead of seeing it as the end, I see it in some way as the beginning of something new. I see this year as “The year” to explore things I haven’t done. Maybe is not healthy to label things with “THE”in the beginning, THE year, THE one, THE program- these labels give us something- pressure.

Having said that I’ll go to the point of my analysis of what has become of me in some way: “the one of many”. I met one boy in high school that was something cruel with what he said: “you change who you are for others, you do things they like, etc. like one thing”. He was wrong, I don’t change, I am who I am, but I like learning so much that I am open to explore new experiences, the problem comes when I give my attention and my time to learn and to give company and many people can’t keep up with me. Recently on facebook, a guy told me, I was “cute but intimidating” I asked why: he said I have done a lot of things and that any guy would be intimidated to have someone be superior- oh yeah machismo 101.

This has been a common thing, the gender stereotype that people expect of me for being a girl that needs rescue. I in other hand, AM the superhero in many cases; and some people aren’t happy with the idea of a superwomen and others use me in a way so I can rescue them. In the time I’ve been single, a lot of people say I fit a list of things they look for, but I have such a long list of things that in a way I don’t think is hard to fill that.


This theme is very complex and I don’t think this will fit in one post, however I’ve come to realize that what I want the most, is to know what I want. I don’t want to fit in a list in an other person “wishes” of a partner if I am not heard about mine. I prefer to be single for as long as it takes, than to engage in a relationship because “I have to”, or because I “should”. If there something I know is that I’m far away from normal, but I’m not the only one that has a different sense of life, one that seeks meaning and that runs from being the status quo. Which is why I encourage you to think, if the people that see you are seeing you as a whole or are they sticking with what they want in order to “survive” together. Do they make you grow, do they teach you something. You don’t have to rescue each other- you have to fight together. You don’t have to fit a list made by some, you have to create your own list. You should be able to be strong or weak –without FEAR that they like you just when you are one or the other; without fear that you have to hide. That’s what makes my “one” –of those they aren’t many-I’m sure it will be worth the wait.

I’m large

The 16th of November of 2011, a pink helicopter arrived to Puerto Rico for the opening of the first Victoria Secret store in the island. The models: Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio and Erin Heatherton arrived and started a “panty” fiasco, where people made huge lines to buy underwear. A long time ago, I heard that the reason why they hadn’t opened a store in Puerto Rico was because the island was the #1 buyer through catalog orders. This inspired me to tell you my story when I saw the first store in the United States.

Victoria Secret is a brand that sells something we should hear often “you are sexy”. However, positive reinforcement might be inexistent in a lot of women that don’t hear those words, which I believe, leads to an obsession of the intimate apparel of the store and the products which make you believe that if you buy from there, you will buy “sexiness”.

And what is sexy? Based on several dictionaries the word means being sexually attractive, very exciting or appealing. I know people that go to the store to find “sexiness” and “buy” it, because wearing “Victoria” gives you some points on the sexy scale. When I went to a Victoria Secret store for the first time, I went as many, for the curiosity that brings the store and its brand, but what I found was a list of questions that I had to do to myself and made me wonder, who else had them.

I was in Miami when I saw a store invaded by the color pink, as it was a trademark for our gender we inherit the first time they see what we have in between our legs. Then I got in, and what I personally liked was that the store had “pretty” underwear. I liked that they had different styles and colors, and it was a certain change on my perception of this “undies” that for years my mom and grandmother had bought in packages that had 5 or 6 in a plastic bag.

My first instinct after seeing one I liked was to check the price tag. I was in shock! it was a $30 panty. No matter the money I earn, I’m an official bargain shopper, and this outraged me. If I was to buy a panty that expensive, I really had to use it weekly or something, because that for me was awful. I suppose you know I didn’t buy anything that day. However, months later I went to Orlando driving, and found what seemed to be the best way to obtain a “Victoria”, the outlet. You could get 10 “undies” for $30. So, from one at $30 to buy 10 for $30 it was a huge difference. However, the reason I wanted to write this today, was because Victoria Secret store made me rethink what I thought of my body and I wonder if it will bring the same questions to this island. When I bought those first 10, I went, as I always did before, looking for a Medium size. You can’t try them out in the store for obvious reasons, so when I tried going to my house and tried modeling to my mirror. For the first time, a Medium didn’t go up. I was frustrated and mad, not because I felt “fat”, I don’t, but because I felt bad that once again, being curvy and Latina, made you a Large.

If I’m a Large how would someone with much more pounds in their body feel? Is sexiness something only thin people get? A good self esteem starts by acknowledging who we are and accepting who we become. Sadly, they are many studies, that link marketing of women and clothing as a standard that defines beauty. This is why many women have felt pressure to “fit” that image and have experienced bad psychological and physical consequences like anorexia or bulimia; an issue that is not necessary, that it could have been stopped by positive reinforcement.

When stores started opening in Puerto Rico, a lot of women found the same issue that I did that day; they were standards for a type of body that wasn’t the one the majority here had. What amuses me the most is that with the fast track life we have, fast foods have won nutrition, and image defies reality. That is why instead of eating and exercising to be healthy, we see people dieting and spending money to “look good” by what the market defines.

I remember seeing the movie “Real women have curves” in 2002 when it came out because of its title. Then I learned that the main character was actress America Ferrera. I felt the issue of being Latina and curvy was going to be discussed in this movie and it was mostly about image, eating habits and what it meant to be a women. I remember two scenes that struck me; one had the grandmother of the movie putting a “San Antonio” upside down to attract a “husband” for the girl. That made me thought of the cultural idea that you become a women, when you are a mom, and that to become “successful” you have to find a man. This was presented in the movie as something traditional and common, sadly it is. It is another way to define identity and image, and the first part of the title of the movie “real women”. The other scene shocked me more. America Ferrera in the movie was shy and ashamed of her body, trying to diet, but with a mom and a grandmother that pushed her to eat. However, we see that America, which in the movie was named, Ana, has a sexual relation with a guy. Ana starts looking at herself in the mirror in underwear, and while she does that her grandmother passes by her room and by looking at her “she knows” that she had sex. Her grandmother starts chasing her all over her house, and I wondered wasn’t this the women that wanted a boyfriend for “Ana”? And what is worst, do you really need to be with somebody “naked” or have somebody be with you to look yourself at the mirror and embrace who you are. And then I asked, IF I AM A LARGE, what will the X-Larges and XXX-Larges of life think of themselves, don’t they have the right to look at the mirror without feeling ashamed, to wear lace underwear? Aren’t they angels too?

The Victoria Secret store was created in San Francisco, California in 1977 by Roy Raymond. They say he opened the first Victoria's Secret store at the Stanford Shopping Center after feeling embarrassed trying to purchase lingerie for his wife in an awkward, public department store environment. To open the store, he took a $40,000 bank loan and borrowed $40,000 from relatives. The company earned $500,000 in its first year. In 1982, after five years of operation, Raymond sold the Victoria's Secret Company, with its six stores and 42-page catalogue, grossing $6 million per year, to Leslie Wexner, creator of The Limited, for $4 million. In 1984, Raymond started My Child's Destiny, a retail store for children which went bankrupt in 1986. On August 26, 1993, Raymond committed suicide by leaping off the Golden Gate Bridge at the age of 46. It’s sad to think that the reason this amazing retail store started was because of shame. What is worst, they are a few stores that sell the same idea of being “sexy” in underwear and beauty products to women that are bigger.

I remember reading in a magazine about a place called Torrid, owned by Hot Topic, but made for “plus” sizes. I applaud this, as well as those stores that have been created for bigger feet. So after being in shock with this new size I had to embrace, I kept buying (the cheap specials). I noticed that their bra’s made optical illusions that made something else bigger. I learned that a big "seller" was the tiny g-strings and that they were considered the most sexy type of panty, I on the other hand thought that it was even more difficult for me to believe that I would pay $30 for less fabric and I remembered that when I took modeling the only reason they MADE me wear that thing was to make sure the clothing didn't "make a mark and show" my underwear. With all this, I embraced with that, my new size.

I wonder how will the people that go to this store feel, when the size they were is not the size they sell. When will a lingerie store will open that will sell that the biggest “sexiness” comes with empowerment. And then I thought, maybe some buy the brand thinking this will make them beautiful (which is not something you can buy), but the power to be confident could be something that could draw more buyers. I hope however, that the reason they buy it’s because they embrace their body and their curves; because is pretty or it smells good. I would feel sad if they only spend this cash (because there is not an outlet here) just when somebody else gives them a compliment is the only moment they can see themselves in the mirror.

So with this, Victoria, I end my secret, with you I’m Large. Is not that I didn’t fit, the clothes didn’t fit me. Life however comes in one size, one big size that fits us all. May Roy Raymond rest in peace and that we never feel ashamed again for giving ourselves a gift.

“Make it dirty”

I know, sounds sexy, but I was actually thinking of coffee. Yes I discovered that named when I accidently wanted tea instead of coffee. Then someone told me, “you can have a chai tea”. What is that?- I asked. “It is a blend of spices with tea that has milk on it, but if you want, you can make it dirty”- What?! Yes you can have a “dirty chai tea” –the tea with a shot of espresso coffee. And that’s how that name came, and now I want it dirty all the time.

Then, it got me thinking, how many people had the same reaction I did. How many images would appear in a person mind while hearing this “make it dirty” conversation? Is dirty sexual, like the song of Cristina Aguilera Dirrrrrrty that had multiple “r’s” to make it more pronounced. Does being dirty, means playing mean. Like a low blow in a boxing match? Against the rules, against the odds, with mean intensions, without inhibitions? What is dirty to you? What is playing dirty to me?

I thought of the two winning possibilities let’s start with the sexual connotation one. The other day I saw the movie “What’s your number” and they used the word dirty among other’s like “slut, easy, etc.” referring to the main character when she said she had slept with 19 guys. The movie is based on this, the number of people girls (and boys, but they targeted girls) sleep with and how the stereotypes of gender affect how people react to that number. They question how much is too much. This girl had 19 partners and reads in a magazine that if you pass 20, you are unlikely to get married. What do you think of that? Well in her desperation, because she reaches 20 in the movie, she just goes and visits her ex’s so that she doesn’t has to ad anyone to her list. In this movie, the definition of dirty is used for name calling, to judge. Is it really fair to judge somebody by a number? What wins, quality or quantity? I’m sure this movie sounds outrageous to people that practice abstinence or truly believe in virginity till marriage. But for those that felt that the conversations in the movie where similar to those that you had with friends, the wording towards the girl, was very common.

I have to say, that I could have been more entertained with this movie than I was. But I HAVE to applaud something of the movie that was great. I don’t want to spoil details, but the best message comes at the end, with a toast from this “dirty” girl on her sister’s wedding. She says: “I’ve come to realized, than every time I see my sister with ____(guy she was going to marry, I forgot) she is just… her. So I guess falling in love is actually being able to be your best self”. I have to say that made the movie worthwhile and actually leads me to the next possible definition. If being dirty is more than being sexual, can we consider for a moment, who we end up being dirty with?

Then I thought of the “being mean” meaning. What is being mean in a relationship? I won’t talk about abusive behavior, because that is another story I can’t cover here – that is so important that it deserves a bunch of reflections. I wonder, what is “meaner”? They thought the girl was mean if she was sleeping with somebody just to sleep with somebody. And to that I have a disclosure, I hate when they say that someone cheated because the “needs” weren’t being satisfied enough, that it “had” to be found elsewhere (BS). But anyway, I wonder, if when you start something, if you meet somebody, what is meaner, lying to get the desire of just one of the parts, lying to get into someone’s pants, even lying to please in order to appear being ideal (like people that lie about numbers, a problem presented in the movie) or just being point blank, saying you know, I really want just to do x, y and z.

If I’ve learned something, is that honesty is better than lying. I’ve met all kinds of people. If there is something I’ve met this last months, is people that have disappeared. Yes, people that instead of talking straight to your face after encountering a problem or a difference; have preferred to end all type of confrontation with an e-mail, a text, a random changed status on Facebook, even having complete silence. I don’t know if I should call this playing dirty or to say that when I received this type of treatment they didn’t know they made me felt like dirt.

Deception is very hurtful, and in cases like this, we should analyze if we were the ones that created an illusion or if we really got the signals and the messages right and the reactions came out of nowhere. Where we tricked? OUCH, it hurts pretty badly. I understand, one can change, but we have to understand that our actions affect any kind of relationship we have, from a friendship, to something else. We face constant changes, we have the right to change how we think and feel, but we cannot tamper with someone’s sensitivity, especially knowing they were hurt before. Why imitate this? I don’t know.

I have learned many things and with the changes I’ve confronted in this last months, the new tea I like and all this “dirty” stuff, I can think if two quotes. “Don’t make a priority, someone that has you as an option” and “Be yourself, everybody else is already taken”. We can debate many things, what we do, what we plan, what happens, but today, just for today I would like to celebrate and reflect on how I feel. Maybe if we do this more we will understand other’s feelings and we will not play with them, because we are not just made out of flesh and bones.

For now, I will be happy I woke up, got to work, and drank my chai tea in the morning- and I’ll be happy to “make it dirty” because I’m only doing that to the coffee and it’s pretty damn good.

Alone but not lonely

I’ve been thinking of this for a month, but today I had to write.

I read in the news today. A 22 year old women named by the press Miss Li from Changhun, China; attempted suicide today because her fiancée, weeks before the wedding announced he left her and was marrying someone else. She tried jumping of a tall building and stood by a window on her wedding dress but her attempt was stopped (yes!).

So it is with more relevance that today I want to discuss the difference of being alone versus lonely, some toxicities of relationships and benefits and how come the feeling of belonging/possession gets confused with security matters (I’ll explain).

First, being alone versus being lonely. Some people aren’t used to being with groups all the time and fight for their own personal space, and sometimes this creates criticism from people or friends because they think they are anti-social. I know of people who like being alone, not necessarily ALL the time (we are indeed social subjects-even if we engage in online conversations a lot-is an outreach to “the other”) but that when alone they don’t feel like they are missing something, or frustrated, uncomfortable. This type of people could enjoy going to places alone if needed and enjoy booking activities that they relate with peaceful moments like reading, exercises, going to a park, watching a movie, cooking, ANYTHING. However, other people get really stressful if they have to engage into activities alone. People who would not go to an activity (movies, mall, etc) if they don’t have someone to go to. People who would really be aware of the space of a place if it’s “too big” for them, cause they will feel lonely versus alone.

On this matter, I have to ask how many people or relationships we (everybody) make based on this need of not being alone, rather than having a healthy partnership/communication. And with that in mind, what are the benefits of who is alone? Most people agree that the “alone” time we look for helps us vent stress from work or other situations and makes us think. I believe this is a powerful tool. What if the problem of those who cannot be alone is that they can’t stop thinking of other people or of their feeling of being alone more than in a place, in the world? What if the problem is that they either low self-esteem, and extreme sense of shyness or lacks of securities? What if theirs no motivation? Reason why some people would rather go ANYWHERE rather than making PLANS on something or engaging in new activities as long as they are with someone? On that matter, is that the reason (those that hate being alone) that they change who they are and mold themselves to please their partner (romantically) or friends? Is it a way to explore new interest? I like being alone, but I don’t feel lonely.

However, if we deny the need of a caress, a kiss or a hug from others or if we think that to say we need that is a sign of weakness, then I believe we are fools. I cannot lie and say I don’t dream of a time where I enjoy company. However being alone sometimes helps me define who I am and what I want. And as a psychologist said to me, which I find to be the best advice, “if you don’t know exactly what you want or where you are going, at least define what you DON’T want” so you can escape falling into the trap of becoming or doing things for others and not for you.

And to my last point related to security, especially for women, I’ve known a lot of cases of women who have “felt” the need to say they are with someone to reject a person that is making an approach they don’t want. Even women who have or feel they have to use a ring to make “people” go away, and they still find encounters. A ring doesn’t make the person be “taken” it is the level of compromise of ones feelings to the other, reason why people with rings (engaged or married) still can be unfaithful. However, it sucks that women encounter the common denominator of experiences, where the only way a guy (random) stops trying to get with them is when they say they are with them (somebody) not because they respect that she doesn’t want to engage with that person, but of fear of getting into fights with another person. So if a women, doesn’t wear a ring (engagement or marriage) and she says no, almost immediately she will be asked “why, you have a boyfriend” (some will ad to that that they don’t care) but then she’ll have to say NO because I don’t want to. I guess you don’t have to have a man in your life to prevent someone else from entering. Is the same concept, or misconception for that matter, that you need to have somebody, rather than you just want to.

In that case, is good to note that if whoever is with somebody they have to be careful with other people’s heart, but the biggest mistake will be neglecting what we feel. WE could try hiding problems, sugar coating issues, engaging into things we are not, but at the end, “payback is a bitch” in our solitude and reflection if theirs something we cannot do is escape from ourselves and who we are.

And with that I conclude, that company should be something we decide to do freely. That we engage because we want to not because someone makes us, or try to convince us. It is not about only doing stuff but of feeling it, and if we can’t even bare ourselves alone, if we can’t stand it, then who can? If we don’t explore who we are how we will move forward to what we could be or want to be. I’ve learned so far, plans don’t go our way all the time, and feelings cannot be trapped in static places, they are interactive and they have the right to change. However, like Miss Li, the problem is when who we love or feel for doesn’t respond to our love the same way and we feel betrayed or left alone, we can even feel scared to feel again, or to feel at all.

I think however excluding yourself from a feeling that comes from you (especially after an analysis of what you are or want or what makes you happy) is worst that living in fear. I’m not afraid of breaking my heart for loving, or that someone does it, or that someones changes. By this point I wish I could control feelings but the magic of them is that they are hybrid and are constructed over an awesome spectrum of moments that we never forget, but we can’t go back to. So, today, I ask of you to think if you feel alone or lonely, cause they are not the same. Are you having toxic relationships to fight your loneliness or are you happy (even if that doesn’t come back). Don’t neglect the power of feeling for what could go wrong, I feel, and that very word “I” needs of a collective and of others, and we like a hugs and a kisses, but at least I think we should give the best of us and for that you need to know what you like or not, and I believe that’s the best we can do for the other person; because we will give them ourselves at our whole, and we will know they love us for exactly what we are. They say theirs no greater feeling. It is powerful enough when you accept who you are, imaging knowing someone understand or loves you for that.

Miss Li, he was not worth terminating your life I’m glad they “saved you” now is time you know and save yourself.

C'est la vie

C’est la vie means “such is life”. After counting weeks and weeks of possible topics a topic found me: death. It is interesting to start talking about life in connection with death but they are connected.

The concept of life itself has many views, from those who believe in a divine intervention on the creation of new life, the role of motherhood in the identity of women and the circumstances in which a baby is born. After being born, we start a process of developing identities and within that identity formed by social structures and education, as well as our support group, we get to find a purpose. The belief that we lack a purpose is an option on itself, for we act in terms of what we believe and what is around us. We use definitions and cultural symbols, while we pursue goals inside definitions we give to things.

Then why is death so feared, if it’s the one thing we know is going to happen. Is it feared because is the circumstance of our life that we cannot change, and by that we try to avoid it, so it doesn’t get to us as a surprise? Death itself can be seen worst or better by how we lived. How we feel we lived is one important thing that will make our goodbyes easier. We will always have something unaccomplished because our desires can overcome our capacities, but we can “rest” better if we feel we did what we wanted to do. The reality of life can be divided into what is and what we would want to happen.

We could wish some laws change, but it won’t happen on its own. We can wish for health, but we have to prevent disease. We could want love and a fairy tale, but we could be lacking passion. We could wish becoming millionaires, but we need to work a lot to obtain it, or come with a great idea like “Facebook” by Mark Zuckerberg which is a rare case of a billionaire in a short period of time. However, he is an example on how when nobody believed him, he went ahead with his idea and did it. I guess we really can’t expect to follow a certain plan?

Can we measure life with what we gain? There is a song called the “Age of Aquarius” that says how do we measure life, and it says “what about love?” Why don’t we measure life with feelings, what we feel is blessings, accomplishments, desire, passion, will. We come back at the very beginning, definitions, what it is, how we define it. It’s those 5W’s of journalists, that we encounter everyday: who, what, when, where, why?

Then you have those that die while they are living. They die slowly because they are in a position they don’t want to be. They die when they don’t know themselves. They die when they live in fear of emotions. They get killed with deception of people who betray them. A piece of them dies when their vision of life, not their life per se (breathing, biology, etc) is different from what they are.

So now I come to “el día de los muertos”, another interesting perspective started by Mexicans about death seemed as a celebration and a tribute to those who used to live. It started with a common practice of conserving skulls as trophies to showcase them in rituals that symbolize death and being reborn. At the end of the day, what we mourn the most is the opportunity of repeating moments, or creating moments that will not come back because of death. On that matter, some opportunities may not come back because of time and changes. You could go to the same city, same place, you could go home for Christmas and everything will be a memory of what it was.

So today, I make a call and a toast for death. All kinds of death, the ones that are physical and the ones we encounter each day. Is the day to reinvent yourself, define what you want and go for it. If there is something you don’t like about your life right now, let it go, declare it dead. Then celebrate, as “el día de los muertos”, what it was, celebrate it was part of your history and move on to what you want now. BECAUSE WE ARE ALIVE, WE ARE SUBJECTS OF CHANGE. There are a lot of changes around us, but we have the right to change or minds and feelings.

Now, this fairy, for the end of the year, understands that not every fairytale should end up with a crystal shoe. I feel free as a crow (my favorite bird), unique as a blue rose (my favorite flower) and I celebrate those who passed away and thank them for what they gave me. Now I’ll expect someone that understands that this shoe for every princess is something that should be personalized. No crystal heals for me, give me boots. That’s how I will be alive till I die.

Let’s start the journey now, the adventure, before we grow old thinking what we should have done instead of celebrating what we have accomplished.

What if versus What is

I’ve had this title for some time in my head now. I couldn’t help but wonder what was the definition of reality I could find on dictionaries that will help this post.

What I found was that reality was defined as:

1) The quality or state of being real;

2) a real event, entity, or state of affairs;

3) something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily;

4) all of your experiences that determine how things appear to you; "his world was shattered"; and then this one appeared;

5) the state of the world as it really is rather than as you might want it to be.

It was a perfect definition for what I’ve had in my mind for a while. Going to Chicago made me learn about realities versus desires and the capacity of “sticking” to reality one could have or one could wish having. On a “business-training” trip I found a handsome man who spoke to me for a while, but was surrounded by women looking at him and appreciating his looks. I was surprised to see him show around his cell phone, and to share several conversations, where he proudly talked about his life as a father of 7 and one on the way in his marriage of 10 years; he was 35. I was amazed on how he handled his reality and started thinking how we handle our own.

Once I was told I had to be careful and that is was normal, that for someone who writes, I could have constant battles with reality: defined as a mental health professional as what was happening versus what I or someone wanted to believe or create -the opposite of real-, the fantasy. She said something that blew my mind too, “what if we need the fantasy? The fantasy by itself is not bad as long as we identify it as a wish and desire, versus as something that is real”. Confusing, but beautiful. How could we protect the mind from fantasies and the great gift of imagination without being affected. Why would we need a fantasy at all? I haven’t gotten to a concrete conclusion because something that is real versus something that is imagined is far from simple, however, I’ve found many people that hold to either of this concepts far to many times, too strongly, and then others that could get confused on the what is or what if’s of life.

We could hold on to reality: paying the bills, surviving, being secure, trying to avoid mistakes by being “too” real; too attached to what is happening leaving no space for dreams and wishes that could be fulfilled but that we kill because we are too hurt or to afraid. Then they are others attached to bubbles, fantasies, wishes that affect our way of living, like people who are attached to shopping and luxuries who can’t even afford them, just to live the fantasy of the "what if’s" and appearances. Then the others, that cannot stand by themselves and try to create a fantasy world where they can escape too. Many people see that other world sometimes in addictions, but making fantasies could be an addiction by itself. Then you walk in a fine line between what is happening and what you wish was happening and frustration hits you unexpectedly or repeatedly because you tried to live two lives; sometimes to avoid loneliness, sometimes cause we are afraid of choosing wrong, sometimes cause we are really insane.

At the end of the day we can be confused, and it’s normal, we live in a world of many brands, and sadly but true, we can confuse the way something material works with how much a human needs and it’s complexity. That is why when we get to chose something we can feel that we are missing out on many things, we do indeed have many options, many roads and many paths but when we choose “our reality” we should do it, not based on definition of what is happening, but our own truth. When our truth is not complete, our reality will reflect that, either with our need to escape from who we are and who we have became or while we kill the capacity of change that we gain from dreaming.

Some people like living unattached, trying to avoid choosing anything at all, especially those things that attached themselves with someone, who will make escaping harder. And then, they are those who spend time in what other people wished for themselves rather than writing their own life’s, someone writes it for them. To know that we have a power to choose and change what we live is far greater than any fantasy, any wish list, any “real situation” that could be an obstacle. So let’s focus today not in our “so called reality”, because maybe by creating fantasies we are actually trying to change our lives into what we want from them.

Let’s chose today to define what makes us (US) and what is our real truth. I wish more people will show other people their lives rather than inventing one. I wish the one that we are creating in our minds became a reality if that’s what makes someone happy. We also have to create a balance, between our minds and our hearts, cause in the end we might be thinking so much we are forgetting to feel.

To end I’ll leave you with a quote from the upcoming movie Eat, Pray, Love in theaters near you this weekend: “If you could clear out all that space in your mind, you’d had a doorway, and you know what the universe would do? Rush in. Everything else will take care of itself”.

Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating When I was 21

This is so good and right with editorial content that I had to publish it, by Erin Meanly from Glamour.

See original posting here

1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.
2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)
3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues.
4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help.
5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal.
6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf.
7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning.
8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays -- even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild.
9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.
10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months.
11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.
12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.
13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores.
14. Guys get resentful, too.
15. You're special, unique, and important, but you're not a princess -- no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me "Erin").
16. It's okay to say no. It's more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you're only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!
17. Playing it safe guarantees you'll have more time and energy to think about your grades or your work. Less drama in your life will always be better and healthier for you.
18. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
19. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don't express them because you think it will scare him away, then you're saying you don't count as much as he does.
20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I've known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.
21.
You can't force chemistry.
You can't force chemistry. If you like him as a friend, the attraction might grow, but if it doesn't, don't force it. And don't waste his time.
22. Ease up on the sauce. Alcohol clouds your judgment.
23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. text.
24. When a guy has taken you to Applebee's five times and you say you want to treat him, he'll be psyched. But secretly he'll freak out if you take him to Ruth's Chris, even just the one teeny time. Don't try to match him one Ruth's Chris for five Applebee's. Take him out, but go to T.G.I. Friday's.
25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.
26. My mom always said, "Men don't think." I thought she meant, "They are mistaken in their thoughts." But they're just not thinking anything at all. About you. They're watching the game. That's why they haven't called.
27. There should be a medium ground between workaholism and his absolute devotion. "The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet" (Simone de Beauvoir, "The Second Sex", 658).
28. Never underestimate the quality of "interesting." Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.
29. What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is "him," that's a bad deal for you. "The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her" (de Beauvoir, 659).
30. Expectations? They'll ruin every dating experience you have.
31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.

The other way around

It is not the first time I’ve heard the story. We think it’s not common, but it might be more common than what we think. I have heard that story twice; I wonder how many stories are out there: boys who have been raped by women.

We usually hear about girls being sexually assaulted, child sexual predators, dark valleys that are dangerous, we often neglect to see possible a rape to a boy by a women. What is worst we often neglect having services for men who are victims of violence, sexual or other, and we often sin by believing it’s less traumatic.

In the study of gender, usually dome and focused on women after years and centuries of oppression and discrimination, we have to acknowledge the needs for gender equality, including men. We need men activist for women rights; we need men to fight for justice. But to be just and fair, we should also fight against stereotypes about men and women, victims versus oppressors, to consider men also as victims of abuse.

Sex is determined by our biological genitalia; gender is made of a social construction by a majority in society, influence by culture. That is why is varies in part from an American perspective, to a Hispanic one, to an African American and others. It is however generalized, it is more than having a pennies or vagina, is what we expect from each other. It is the reason we chose blue for boys and pink for girls. It is why we encourage boys into sports and girls into ballet. It is why some people think boys don’t cry while girls are allowed to be emotional, (if not expected). It is the reason why boys get cars and action figures and girls get dolls for Christmas. It is the social construction that passes on, teaches or misleads, how “things are supposed to be” and how you are supposed to act. Therefore, it is why when we talk of sexual assaults we think the men it’s always the perpetrator.

We cannot deny the facts, men are usually the majority of perpetrators, however we shouldn’t neglect the other way around being possible. We need to work with this so that boys are not traumatized and there issue is not neglected because it doesn’t “fit the norm”. We have heard and been thought that boys are more sexual, that they have more desires, “needs”, we even understand male masturbation more than we can think of girls doing that, we even hear how some justify rapes with their “big sexual appetite” seen normal. We even see how victims usually are to blame by the media for the way they dress, like with a mini skirt, saying that “she was looking for it”, is the concept of what else could he do? We see it as part of men’s nature.

What we haven’t done its think of the other way around. What happens when roles reverse; when the norm gets tampered. It is my personal observation, and this has not been research in dept but I have observed throughout the years I’ve seen male domination- in most of “women power” philosophies we have encouraged women adapting violence. We have come to the point where women are more violent- “imitating”- the bad side of the “macho men” or “chauvinist” they criticize, rather than giving them our years enforced knowledge of negotiation and talking things out. How many efforts have been made to make us like them, rather than equal in rights? How much is it about being allowed to do what they do, rather than sharing what we do while HE learns from us. Even in our fight for equality we have come to a point where we see ourselves inferior, we come to them, not the other way around. WHY?

Men are also being silenced. It was with great despair and sadness that I heard to horrible stories of men (young men- 11 and 8) being raped. They also reacted like most rape victims do, one has apathy and fear of new relationships, the other one is promiscuous, doesn’t respect his body or women. They haven’t been able to confess what has happened to them to families or professionals because they feel shame or fear of being laughed at. After all some have told them they should consider them lucky for having an early experience, that they were “the man” because of that. One of them after 14 years of the accident, haven’t been able to commit in a serious relationship and has issues making new personal relationships (friends or partners). The other one divides himself in two personalities. Great person, sweet and sensitive with girls, but when he feels he is opening up too much he engages in promiscuity, not being able to commit and having mini relationships of 1 to 2 months, leaving the girl behind. He even told me when he told me – I don’t respect women- and he even blames most women for how he acts with “what was I supposed to do, she jumped on to me”. Both have never received therapy, and is a strange way to go through life with fear. A fear kept silenced.

Now, ask why should they fear to speak out? How come no one sees their side as possible? Why should they suffer, how often unhealthy relationships are a result of traumatic experiences? How often we teach what a healthy one is? Which are our role models? Today I make a call to reverse the story, to put ourselves in their shoes. Today I consider gender roles. How many of the people that go through life breaking hearts had their hearts broken? What are our fears? What can we do to help? How can we manage to live to our fullest without passing through life “surviving”. This is for men who have been raped. Today I applaud those than even with fear, a fear kept in silence, chose to continue living.

Sometimes

There comes a time in your life where you’ve got to admit “they told you so”. When you start analyzing what happened, after your out of that, you notice that the signals where there all along. Then you punish yourself for a while because you cannot believe you let that happen, and then notice that maybe you knew all along, you just didn’t want to believe it.

Sometimes you believe in people that tell you they care. Then, when your emotions go through a rollercoaster, the worst time of your life, they seem to walk away. -“If you love me, why you leave me now!”- you seem to think; “you have been lying all along I see, and to think I putted my life at risk for you!”. So many times in life, people make promises they cannot keep or that they don’t mean. And so many times more, people fall for those false promises with a division: what you wish it would happen, and what is really happening.

You see yourself walking with your head down, feeling powerless, used, stupid and sad, very sad. You blame yourself, as many people victims of abuse blame themselves, when they shouldn’t. You get depressed because deep inside you know that they didn’t change at the last moment and showed you a different side of them you didn’t know. You don’t start the battle to the person that hurts you, on the contrary, you start the battle on yourself because you notice that you were walking away from the truth all along. You didn’t want to hear it, or see it, because you needed to fill what was empty and sometimes in your solitude you were comfortable with anybody that could fill that space. You were so needed of a lift, that you turned yourself away to find somebody that you thought could help, meanwhile you left yourself being handled and by doing that you let yourself down.

You’ve got to raise your head admitting you didn’t want to see the truth. The person that hurt you now is the same person that hurt you then, when you didn’t say anything; when that didn’t feel right. You have noticed you wanted to believe in the fairy tale and the castle you created in your story, while noticing it was nothing near that. You started having impulses of what you wanted to do and needed, and forgot to listen to your feelings and the consequences of letting yourself go. You may be sad now, because someone that said and promised isn’t there anymore; but you are sadder for the fact that you feel you knew that was going to happen. That happened because you started to shut down your voice.

It is time to rise against the silence of injustice and control. The time has come to speak, but first and foremost to listen. Is about not dividing yourself into what you think you want and what you really need. It’s giving you the opportunity of getting out of the cycle you have made for yourself. It is time to rise and face the darkness, to win the battle over your worst enemy: you.

A lot of people say that you should do what you love doing, that you should follow your heart or your mind and go ahead with a plan. But how will you do that, if you don’t even know yourself. What do you want? What do you need? Who can give that to you? Do you know you deserve it? Are you ready? As I read somewhere the other day: what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? Give yourself a chance, go on, celebrate who you are, battle your worries and take out of your life those who take your energy away, who give you problems, who give you nightmares.

Love yourself and understand you are worth every second possible. Go on… tell that person that left you down, tell that person that fights all the time, tell that person that pressures you, tell that person that puts you down: NO MORE! YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE! YOU CAN! YOU ARE WORTH IT! TAKE OUT THOSE ENERGY SUCKERS AND LIVE LIFE-once and for all- FOR WHAT YOU WANT, NOT WHAT OTHERS WANT FROM YOU…

I’m rooting for you!

ONCE AND FOR ALL

“There was this one time he didn’t let me talk. I tried to tell him how I felt and the only thing I felt like doing was to sink to the ground and disappear. I became invisible and the only thing I heard was screaming and in my face or in the distance a pointing finger. Always I was to blame. Every argument was my fault, which is what he always said. I started to believe him. If I hadn’t done this or that maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so mad, maybe he hadn’t yelled, maybe he hadn’t hit me. But I deserved that purple-lish bruise, that’s what I thought. Then he got home one night and I was tired. He fell asleep in a second, and after a few hours, in the middle of the night I felt something on my back. “”common baby come to papa””, “what?”- I thought. And I said those two words: “I’m tired”. If I had only said “ok”. That is what I thought he wouldn’t have jumped on me, hurt me, mutilated me, and punched me. He wouldn’t have called me a bad woman that didn’t want to perform her “”duty””. But then he almost didn’t remember what he did until he saw my face. It took him a week to take me to a restaurant and mention that he was sorry it “”ended up in that”” but that I had to understand, I was doing wrong things and it was his duty to correct my actions. I always forgave him and came back. I was the one who was always wrong. That’s what I really believed. And since I started dating him I didn’t talk to my friends and family very much. What was I suppose to do? I was completely alone. I felt alone. And even if a bruise or insult became an occasionally, sometimes a regular, accessory; at the end, there he was saying he was the only one that loved me in this world; being there, with flowers, in a restaurant. I learned the meaning of “the look” when I did something wrong and watch out for it. I had a collection of long sleeve shirts to cover my arms and sun glasses to cover my eye circular man-made make-up. I could have end it, could have stopped it, but I always thought it was my fault and never looked for help. I couldn’t have ended once and for all, but domestic violence ended up with my life and today nobody remembers my name or my story.”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Do something.

Did you know?

1/3 of American women and 1/4 of women worldwide will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime.

All the aggressor wants you to do it’s to keep quiet. Don’t become a victim of silence.

National Domestic Violence Hotline- in more than 50 languages available.
1−800−799−SAFE (7233)

If, well maybe...

If I was a normal girl, it would have been ok. If I wasn’t an overachiever maybe I would dream of white right now and would have been waiting for a prince and saviour. If I was complete, maybe I could give you my all without thinking I was losing myself. If I hadn’t been near death, maybe I wouldn’t value time and the fact that it doesn’t come back. If I wouldn’t be Miss Independent, I may have turned into a Ms. Dependent nobody wants. If I wouldn’t want to excel, maybe I could sleep more than 7 hours at night. If I really didn’t want to work for myself, well maybe I would be any other girl, missing that my mom would clean my clothes and my room. If I hadn’t worked since I could, maybe I would have been expecting my allowance. If I didn’t believe in God, well maybe I would be drinking out a bottle of wine I have to forget that I have $20 on the bank. If I didn’t believe I can do it, well maybe I would have gave up all my dreams because they seem harder every day. If I didn’t appreciate life, well maybe I would have gone to McDonalds or Burger King and had oversized a combo. If I didn’t had self-esteem, well maybe I wouldn’t have any problem becoming someone else. If I didn’t have strength and a willingness to fight, well maybe I would have lived in silence, making others design my own paths. If I didn’t appreciate what a bad person is, well maybe you would have been any other person and it would be ok if I changed my mind. If I hadn’t grown up so fast, well maybe I wouldn’t be longing having my youth. If I didn’t know better, I would think it was too late to change my fate. If I didn’t love you, well maybe I would be wearing a mask letting you believe everything was ok. If I didn’t appreciate the gifts of life, well maybe I would have a problem going on my own to the movies. If I didn’t think I could do it, well maybe I would still be sitting in my room waiting for some help. If I didn’t had any struggles, then I wouldn’t appreciate what it is a good fight. If I hadn’t being through what I’ve been through well simply I wouldn’t be me.

Time, goes by, so slowly

Time is my lover. I’m so obsessed with time and planning that sometimes it hurts my head: numbers, hours and names. It’s all there. I cannot stop planning. Sometimes I think I’m so multitasking that I have to ask myself, where is my time? Where is my ME time? As I analyze this year, a new housing, new university, new everything I wonder where did that go. Now, a few months too late I want to go to the movies, I want to hang out, I want to discover this city, I want to visit the bay, I want to look at the trees. Why now? Now? NOW!!!!!!! I had almost 7 months to do it, and didn’t. I had to find myself alone in the sidewalk looking up to the sky, seeing the shadows of the palm tree that was always there to bring me company. I had just discovered that she was alone also.

At the end of the day, you discover that you could be surrounded by people and feel left out, in a date with your own self. At the end of the day, the school days are over, the BA is over, you and your house are over, your college is over, your “singleness” is over, and you can never be back. That is why you have to answer yourself: what do I want to do? So that when time comes you will be able to handle your solitude with pride, with strength. I guess sometimes planning everything seems as the escape route of pain. You try to convince yourself you will know what will happen. And yes, you feel more secure, at the end, time still dies.

In general, I ask myself, what could I have done? Many questions travel my head at the same time the most secure things fall as a broken glass into my feet. It was in the news today. Time is passing, money is running out, jobs are being cut and difficult to find. I know. By the time I end the semester I will be considered homeless. I will be left out without a home, a structure. This is the time where creativity takes a stand and probability conquers planning. When the sun goes out and I’m alone, I will be in the same position as many people. Laying down, trying to sleep, waiting for a new day; without even realizing with our eyes shut we say goodbye, farewell, adios, to that day forever. Again, time flies, but it flies with us. Sometimes we see it, sometimes we don’t. Time and clocks are still ticking while we steal the Earth some air. There’s always hope towards a new day, even if we are just thinking of the future. Clocks will keep ticking; they will let you know you’re dying each day. I guess the question I ask myself and I ask you are: what will you do? How can you answer that without putting in jeopardy your life? How can you make sure that you don’t make the planning for the future, your constant present? What do you think time and that clock you see right now is telling you?

I’m dying to know, please acknowledge the clock is ticking and I don’t have much time.

Painting by Salvador Dalí

by: F@iry

Let's get physical

How much is too much? In a recent article published by Yahoo they expressed nine reasons explaining why people cheat. They reasons were:

1-Bored
2-Dependence
3-Confusion
4-Because they let you
5-Nurturing
6-Revenge
7-Confirmation of Attractiveness
8-The thrill
9-They don’t consider it cheating even though you might

For the explication of these nine reasons and the whole article click here

Reading this article I got to wonder, how importance is the physical part of the relationship. I questioned how much is too much or too less. How many times roles have defined who has the “right” to ask for it, versus the one that “should” please the other one because “they are supposed to”. Now what is “the physical” part of the relationship. What is cheating? If you are looking for a fling, non attachment, non compromise these questions may not make sense. But what about a serious committed relationship are these questions relevant, definitely.

The physical part of a relationship is relevant, very importance, but it’s not everything. If a serious committed relationship is the goal, then the question should be: “can I imagine myself with this person for a long time, without getting tired of their kisses, hugs, caresses and sex”. Now if the answer is yes, “can you imagine yourself with that person excluding the physical part?” I have had friends that have stayed in a relationship, often unhealthy, because they like “how they complement each other in bed”. Besides that, they have seen each other fighting, insulting each other, they cannot complete a conversation or have too much days that go by without it because if not fights become bigger. Now the main question is: how much is too much?

I have hated all my life hearing men in talk shows say that because they are men, and “they have needs that exceed women”, they “had the right to, and had to” cheat in order to complete their desire. Gender have been used as an excuse in sex, and has played and enormous role in how sex has developed in history. Even now that women have come out of their shelter and asked for physical expressions and contact, many are shadowed by these past that told them for centuries that they were made to please, not to be pleased in that area. Maybe that’s the reason, besides the fact that more women are working and work becomes the main area to find a lover, people are surprised to now that women cheat almost the same as men. Cheaters are something around 60% men, 40% women. Many cannot believe it.

Is it really the physical part the main reason why people cheat? If so, isn’t society giving too much attention to sex. Everybody is affected by the constant media and ads that swear on the motto: “sex sells”. If you not believe it, take a look at billboards and ads in a magazine, how much are they that have women almost naked, suggestive positions, things that look like parts of the body hidden in subliminal messages. For example:

Today is a day to ask yourself, how much is too much or too less? What do I want in that physical area? Do I want a man or women that are sweet in bed, but never give public kisses or hugs? Do I want this to be an important part of the relationship? Do I want to be spontaneous or would I prefer to have a quota of “x times per week”? Don’t be afraid to ask yourself these questions, know yourself. After you know what you want, don’t keep it to yourself, be ready and prepare yourself to scream those words that society has oppress for so many years in that area. Today come out and say: “I want this”. And if in a serious committed relationship dare to say also: today will be days where we will please each other, without being selfish ask, “What do you want?”

Friends

A new year has come and with that, new friendships. The reason we enjoy the holidays so much, most of the time, is for the company. Many people travel around the world to reunite with those that are "expected there"- and always there, more than by choice, by fate=family. But when those people are far, the ones that you always used to see or share information with, you understand how much they mean.

A real friend shouldn't be someone that just keeps you company, a friend should be able to know everything about you and still love you- as you are. A friend calls to say hi once in a while, doesn't leave you or stop talking to you when you make a mistake. It isn't about giving love and sharing time with the expectation of receiving something. A sincere desire of friendship would overcome any obstacle. Those friends would call whenever you where feeling down, at least they would show some interest on your interest. Again, the problem comes when they like some parts of you, instead of loving you for you, as a whole.

Some friends stop calling over distance, and you get to wonder if they were they only because they had to see you, instead because they wanted to. Sometimes you ask yourself, "how is it, that I'm surrounded by people and I feel so alone". Maybe you didn't make any friends, just company. Or you gave them that name too soon. Some call, some only write to you in facebook, some just send text messages, some never invite you to things even if your available and some, out of nowhere just call to check how are you.

If we come to the point in life, when we are busy and growing older but we receive that call or give it, we care. Computers and social networks (like facebook) have made us show our "love" by how many comments we leave, instead of quality time together. That is why, in this new year, with St. Valentine coming soon, I invite you to analyze which are your true friends. Even if they are a few, if you can count on them, certaintly your lucky. If by any chance you feel alone, rejected or you don't know how to start: write. Write to me, to anyone, but specially write a letter to yourself, so that you remember that you are blessed to be here, that you are worth a lot and that you have a lot to offer.

Do not let anyone, that is present or constantly missing- make you believe your unworthy. As we grow we should be able to look back and count our blessings.

So in this opportunity I take the time to acknowledge my friends, my true friends, and those that will come on the way. Also my parents and the people that crossed at some point my path. I want to thank them for all they did all those years while I was busy turning into me.

Flower

A cart was outside. A little cart full of bouquets was available, cheaper than what I had always seemed near home. Then I drove by to college and saw around 8 people selling bouquets of flowers too; beautiful roses of all colors. Then I remembered the times I saw a man, with a ring in his left hand, buying them.

How many times we have heard at some point of our lives that women are like flowers. If not, we at least hear that the classic gifts we should receive are chocolates, teddy bears or flowers, flowers being the most common.

While looking at the cart I kept wondering- would a day come where I’m married and my husband sees those flowers and think, I’m getting them for her today. Not in an anniversary, not in a birthday, but in a random day. A random day, like the one I saw, where after a busy day at work that man saw those cheap flowers as an easy way to say I love you, or “I’ve been thinking about you all day love”. Pretty. Is not cheesy, is romantic. It’s idyllic to believe that we deserve that much from someone.

Today, I wish you reflect on the beauty of a flower. Compare it with a woman. Some live like a flower. They are only admired by their beauty, and they get torn by it. Different colors, textures, sizes. If you can, women or man, tell your partner, your friend: “I love you” and give a flower. It’s not fair they die in vain. At least they will be cheap, cute and beautiful. In this season, gift a flower and affection- that will surely let the other person know that you are thinking about them. That will make sure you express love, and that is something we need to do more often! J

One with the music

It’s almost midnight. The moon is brighter than ever. A full moon has never looked so pretty. The reflection of the dark sky fuses with the lights of the tall buildings. All are about ten feet from the sea. Lights that are red turn green as the car approaches them. Women are dancing in a table, couples hold hands, and models walk slowly in high heels. Silver is everywhere. The silver shirt it’s combined with silver color shoes and purse. Everything is moving towards that beautiful silver moon.

Her body was exhausted; the week had been a thought one. She was wearing shorts and she was glowing. She tried to have her curls straight, the plan didn’t work. It couldn’t have been more perfect. Natural curls where being blown by the breeze next to the sea. The music was decorating her body as she moved to the drum rhythm. She was herself, one with the music…

To be continued…

CHANGES

I just celebrated in the United States the election of Barack Obama and his theme: change. And I’m not even going to comment on the fact that he made history as the first African-American elected President or his power to move people. I will talk about the necessity of adjustments and changes we have to go in life. I believe many women try to plan stuff. Some have the ability to have a free spirit reflected on the non-addiction they have to agendas. The others have that to do list present all of the time. I want to do this and this, and then this afterwards, and I have to take care of the kids, share time with my husband, study, eat, cook, visit family, etc… so much time that we take as rubber bands in order to please someone. As I was saying to a friend: “don’t let your planning for your future, become your constant presents”.

It’s about attitude. I read someplace that 10% of the things you encounter are “what happened” and 90% is what you do with it. I also have something else in mind: veterans. Veterans Day is getting close, and these topics couldn’t be more related. We try to plan things ahead so that nothing comes as a surprise. We plan so much and try to be aware, that sometimes, even in relationships, we try not to get involved as much to prevent hurting “if something goes wrong”. But what happens when our circumstances change from one day to the other? When you have something in mind, and you think you have it on your side, and suddenly- it disappears.

Let me tell you, I know of people that have planned everything. Those wake up with an agenda and a schedule. I know I’m one of them. But let me tell you that right now I feel blessed with what I’ve got. I planned way ahead and God and destiny changed my plans. I ended up in another city with another program, my best friend at work and at heart was transferred near me, work opportunities have arrived in a time when there’s more unemployment; blessings and more blessings, made by embracing a change. I didn’t know what would happen, but I fell in love and feel happy. Happy because my agenda didn’t work, and all that dreaming with a plan had to go to the dumpster. My plan B became my only plan A, everything was turned around.

What about veterans? Could you imaging living each second in a war zone, where everything you know or want to do could dissappear? There you are, with your kids’ picture in your pocket, with a cross on your neck, with your tags- and in any moment- boom! You’re gone. What about the changes you face when you come back and you can’t delete those memories of war in your head. Where you are afraid and sleep with a gun or a knife. And what about the family that stays and waits- at a time where every single phone call turns to be the messenger of the worst news of your life. This quote: “Success in life is not about having everything that you like, but by liking everything you receive”.

I just got to ask you, to ask yourself if you honor and respect these veterans and their sacrifice. Recognize your own sacrifices at home. Don’t stop dreaming, you can achieve your goals. Remember, when a door closes, other opens, but it depends on you if you want to pass it.

I hear by give a mini gift to veterans and soldiers: especially the veteran that has turned my life around- I’m proud of you and love you. This is something I made:


V -Veterans are those who served The Nation
E - Everyday thanking that they would make it back home
T- Thinking of those they were fighting for
E – Every child, every husband or wife, freedom.
R- Reunited in experiences
A- Adjusting after War
N- United by one thing,
S- Service, I honor thee.

Take your time to pray for those who have died in service,
and those who are at War.

O God, by whose mercy the faithful departed find rest, look kindly on your departed veterans who gave their lives in the service of their country. Grant that through the passion, death, and resurrection of your Son they may share in the joy of your heavenly kingdom and rejoice in you with your saints forever. We ask this through Christ our Lord.


Almighty and eternal God, those who take refuge in you will be glad and forever will shout for joy. Protect these soldiers as they discharge their duties. Protect them with the shield of your strength and keep them safe from all harm. May the power of your love enable them to return home in safety, that with all who love them, they may ever praise you for your loving care. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

May God bless the troops and all veterans.

Fast food weddings

“When are you getting married?” said someone to a girl. “Hey dude, come on you’re getting old, get some kids”, said another to man. Surprisingly, after having a vivid conversation with someone, while discussing What happens in Vegas (the movie, 2008), someone told me that in Vegas, weddings could be done in a drive-thru. Yes, like any fast-food. Isn’t that amazing? For me that was shocking!

Then as always, I thought, how much gender has to do with weddings. Could you imagine a girl being raised all her life with the idea that getting married was going to be “THE” event in her life, that it was preferably with only one person, no divorce, many kids, happily ever after fairy tale kind of thing… and then all of the sudden, you end up in a car, filling papers, getting married (like in a fast food). Can you imagine getting married with the possibility that someone says to you… “You want fries with that, sir?”

I did some resent research. Well women are now getting married later, not in the early 20’s as they used to do, but middle 20’s and thirties. And that is for first marriages, many second marriages come at 40 or 50, and their quite a few that marry at their 20’s for their second time. Then in the man’s statistics, many where being more cautious and where marrying late to. This study, held by a University, reflected that the facts for the later” marriage had changed. It was assumed that man wanted to marry later than women, because of fear to compromise and because they enjoyed the “single life”. Now, they fear choosing the wrong person. Wrong person for them and for their finances, they don’t want to get married in “bad economic situations” or they fear that a divorce will cost them more than what they can afford. What you think about that?

What is marriage then, a contract? Is it a deal? Could it be that people are looking for hope in a moment, where both people that feel something share also a signature in a piece of paper? Is it possible that what it is all about when is a civil wedding? What is important about a religious ceremony then? Could it be that the hope they sign is reinforced with the blessing of God, and that with that in common at least it will seem easier to fight for love- something HE absolutely stands for (and forgiveness). So, what is marriage? What should we give?

A movie, Shall we dance? (2004) has the most memorable quote I can remember of marriage:
Why is it that people get married?Because we need a witness to our lives.There’s a billion people on the planet.What does any one life really mean?But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,All of it… all the time, every day.You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.”

What do you think of that? When you think about it, from all the people in the world, people look for a commitment to one. That’s the hope and the dream. Is like a norm. I’ve seen girls that don’t have boyfriends, or leave their boyfriends at some point- to “enjoy single life”. Then what some of they do? They go to clubs, dances, movie theater, the mall, etc… and most of the time, their checking out boys that could turn to be “potential boyfriends”. Now, isn’t that an irony?
Well, to finish, we need to give love a chance: with family, friends, life, God, a partner, something. I saw a sticker the other day in facebook that said: “we girls should sue Disney World for making us believe that we would find prince charming”. Certainly, whoever wrote this found out that life isn’t a fairytale, but I guess that if we leave in fear of committing mistakes we will never find anything that is worthy. If we don’t fail and have deceits and deceptions, we will not get to recognize what is good or bad, to difference one thing to the other. In general, everybody should have their own definition of love, for some, getting married in a car with an Elvis impersonator as a judge or priest could mean the most romantic thing. I guess, some, really don’t believe in rituals, that we sometimes make (traditional receptions, dresses, etc) because we where thought that it was right. I guess, marriage itself, relies a lot on perception that on feeling.

Is not about two people becoming one, is like math. 1 + 1 The work is on that plus sign. If someone ever get’s to become a single one, then one of the parts became the other. One of the parts, lost themselves and turned into whatever the other wanted them to be. I don’t think that’s fair, do you? Well, a lot to think about. What is marriage to you, considering what you’ve been thought and what you feel? I hope someday, we’ll get to be more than a passive witness, more than a ritual based on the conception that we need to reproduce and multiply to maintain our species. I hope that we get a chance to be active, that we get a chance to love, really IN GOOD AND BAD.

For me, I’m leaving my future husband in the hands of God, when it’s time. It will happen when it has to happen, like many things in life, but of course I know I have to work and do things here. We aren’t puppets of God that are driven by command, that’s his gift. He’s a light to our uncertain path, a path he lets us draw. I hope that I have a partner more than what I hope for happiness. I wish to be blessed in my marriage by having the opportunity to become a warrior. I know everyday won’t be a happy day, that I’ll have many fights in life for opportunities, for a better tomorrow that will be driven by passion. For that, I hope I get someone that is willing to fight with me and for me, rather that someone that wants a beautiful success story. Someone that will be there, and that in different circumstances is willing to say: “I may not get you completely, I may disagree with you, this isn’t what I planned for, I don’t know how you do this, or I don’t know how I’ll do this: but I’m here”. I wish that in my marriage, I hold one hand instead of two. I wish that we get to look together at the sunset, our dreams and our paths; instead of looking straight in the eye to each other. Having that hand, that ring will be enough. And if that’s the case, then I guess a drive thru or a big walk in the aisle will have the same purpose, and it will be driven by the same hope and faith. I think that’s enough. What is your dream?