Fast food weddings

“When are you getting married?” said someone to a girl. “Hey dude, come on you’re getting old, get some kids”, said another to man. Surprisingly, after having a vivid conversation with someone, while discussing What happens in Vegas (the movie, 2008), someone told me that in Vegas, weddings could be done in a drive-thru. Yes, like any fast-food. Isn’t that amazing? For me that was shocking!

Then as always, I thought, how much gender has to do with weddings. Could you imagine a girl being raised all her life with the idea that getting married was going to be “THE” event in her life, that it was preferably with only one person, no divorce, many kids, happily ever after fairy tale kind of thing… and then all of the sudden, you end up in a car, filling papers, getting married (like in a fast food). Can you imagine getting married with the possibility that someone says to you… “You want fries with that, sir?”

I did some resent research. Well women are now getting married later, not in the early 20’s as they used to do, but middle 20’s and thirties. And that is for first marriages, many second marriages come at 40 or 50, and their quite a few that marry at their 20’s for their second time. Then in the man’s statistics, many where being more cautious and where marrying late to. This study, held by a University, reflected that the facts for the later” marriage had changed. It was assumed that man wanted to marry later than women, because of fear to compromise and because they enjoyed the “single life”. Now, they fear choosing the wrong person. Wrong person for them and for their finances, they don’t want to get married in “bad economic situations” or they fear that a divorce will cost them more than what they can afford. What you think about that?

What is marriage then, a contract? Is it a deal? Could it be that people are looking for hope in a moment, where both people that feel something share also a signature in a piece of paper? Is it possible that what it is all about when is a civil wedding? What is important about a religious ceremony then? Could it be that the hope they sign is reinforced with the blessing of God, and that with that in common at least it will seem easier to fight for love- something HE absolutely stands for (and forgiveness). So, what is marriage? What should we give?

A movie, Shall we dance? (2004) has the most memorable quote I can remember of marriage:
Why is it that people get married?Because we need a witness to our lives.There’s a billion people on the planet.What does any one life really mean?But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,All of it… all the time, every day.You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.”

What do you think of that? When you think about it, from all the people in the world, people look for a commitment to one. That’s the hope and the dream. Is like a norm. I’ve seen girls that don’t have boyfriends, or leave their boyfriends at some point- to “enjoy single life”. Then what some of they do? They go to clubs, dances, movie theater, the mall, etc… and most of the time, their checking out boys that could turn to be “potential boyfriends”. Now, isn’t that an irony?
Well, to finish, we need to give love a chance: with family, friends, life, God, a partner, something. I saw a sticker the other day in facebook that said: “we girls should sue Disney World for making us believe that we would find prince charming”. Certainly, whoever wrote this found out that life isn’t a fairytale, but I guess that if we leave in fear of committing mistakes we will never find anything that is worthy. If we don’t fail and have deceits and deceptions, we will not get to recognize what is good or bad, to difference one thing to the other. In general, everybody should have their own definition of love, for some, getting married in a car with an Elvis impersonator as a judge or priest could mean the most romantic thing. I guess, some, really don’t believe in rituals, that we sometimes make (traditional receptions, dresses, etc) because we where thought that it was right. I guess, marriage itself, relies a lot on perception that on feeling.

Is not about two people becoming one, is like math. 1 + 1 The work is on that plus sign. If someone ever get’s to become a single one, then one of the parts became the other. One of the parts, lost themselves and turned into whatever the other wanted them to be. I don’t think that’s fair, do you? Well, a lot to think about. What is marriage to you, considering what you’ve been thought and what you feel? I hope someday, we’ll get to be more than a passive witness, more than a ritual based on the conception that we need to reproduce and multiply to maintain our species. I hope that we get a chance to be active, that we get a chance to love, really IN GOOD AND BAD.

For me, I’m leaving my future husband in the hands of God, when it’s time. It will happen when it has to happen, like many things in life, but of course I know I have to work and do things here. We aren’t puppets of God that are driven by command, that’s his gift. He’s a light to our uncertain path, a path he lets us draw. I hope that I have a partner more than what I hope for happiness. I wish to be blessed in my marriage by having the opportunity to become a warrior. I know everyday won’t be a happy day, that I’ll have many fights in life for opportunities, for a better tomorrow that will be driven by passion. For that, I hope I get someone that is willing to fight with me and for me, rather that someone that wants a beautiful success story. Someone that will be there, and that in different circumstances is willing to say: “I may not get you completely, I may disagree with you, this isn’t what I planned for, I don’t know how you do this, or I don’t know how I’ll do this: but I’m here”. I wish that in my marriage, I hold one hand instead of two. I wish that we get to look together at the sunset, our dreams and our paths; instead of looking straight in the eye to each other. Having that hand, that ring will be enough. And if that’s the case, then I guess a drive thru or a big walk in the aisle will have the same purpose, and it will be driven by the same hope and faith. I think that’s enough. What is your dream?

Build you map

First of all, I want to say that I’m sorry. I’ve been flying around many papers and people lately and you deserve all my attention. You are worth it! So now that many ideas have been dancing in my head, while I flew on a full agenda let’s talk about the bus chronicles.

Think about it, if we are “too good” we are considerated too sensitive and dumb; but if we come out strong and confident, we are considered “bitches”. If you doubt this is true, go to your nearest bookstore, you’ll find a book called “Why men marry bitches” and many that came after that one, which is just trying to boost your self-confidence. But why self-confidence should be associated with being mean, egocentric or, a “bitch” and so forth?

In these scenes, both real, there is another issue going on: the conception that women need a man in order to say no. Why? This also happens to men, but I’m discussing this scenes. When did we miss the class that showed us how to say no? How can it be that we are so frighten? Fear shouldn’t stop us. We are our own best enemy. So next time, someone insists say “no”, and when they ask why you said it, take a deep breath, don’t feel bad and say I said no because I wanted to… And as I saw in a TV show once, “what part of no don’t you understand, the “n” or the “o””.

You should start by asking yourself what are your limits. Feel free to write them down. You shouldn’t be ecstatic, so with time and new experiences you will develop different feelings, interests and you will have new standards. That is ok. Make your own map. Make your own life. Ask yourself, what do I like and dislike? I’m eager to hear you, but I’m more excited to know that you will take time to hear your own voice answering those questions.

[Image by silvernight.org]

Part I- Bus chronicles

Scene 1

Man: “How are you doing…”
Woman: “Fine”
Man: “Hey precious you have a cell phone?”
Woman: (silence)
Man: “If you have a boyfriend, that’s ok, I’ll won’t call you, but if not…you can give me your number and we’ll keep in touch, you know?”

Scene 2

Man: “How are you doing…”
Woman: “Fine”
Man: “Hey precious you have a cell phone?”
Woman: “Yes”
Man: “Well, can you give me your number and we can keep in touch? If you have a boyfriend I understand, I wouldn’t call”
Women: “I don’t have a boyfriend but I don’t wish to give you my number”
Man: “Why? If you don’t have anybody, what’s the problem?”
Women: “There’s no problem, I don’t want to”
Man: “I don’t get you, I see why you don’t have a boyfriend, me, wanting to be friendly and you get all bitchy, whatever”

Life as we know it

I thought of maternity. Maternity as a subject for this column, don’t get me wrong. And then besides every single thing we could discuss in the future about this gift and miracle, I thought of something bigger- life. Is ironic how everything is a cycle. Some people plan having a kid, some don’t. I believe it shouldn’t be treated as a business deal, as an investment, as a contract, as a time waste. We are talking of a human being, which is more sensible because it comes to life totally depending. It depends on its family, on people, the baby can’t make it alone.

So when you think about it, life itself and maternity, it is also a social effect. You NEED other people to live those first months, maybe those first years while you make it to independence. Heck! You need people all your life. Remember Wilson, the volleyball that became famous on Cast Away, as Tom Hanks character needed something to talk to and he created his friend out of imagination. That scene wanted to show that we all need a friend; we all need somebody because our nature is a social one. But I came to discuss life and how everything connects together- based on two testimonies.

So here’s how it goes, and feel free to disagree or discuss this. You meet someone, but that someone may be or not may be your ideal partner or a person that fits healthy standards in a relationship like respect, trust, love, commitment, etc- and then you get together. You may believe on waiting for sex or not, but then comes sex, at some point, and depending on the protection and your health options and rules- and also depending on the Murphy law where plans can change- you might get yourself in pregnancy. And then you have life in you, that if everything goes alright you get to see after 9 months. The perfect stranger that you consider yours is in you but now gets out and becomes parts of life. Then the baby is alive, but not by its own. And then it grows, passing through a lot of things, right or wrong, decisions and what you saw as a gift of life, it turns to be a life of its own. But what is life for that creature? When do you consider yourself alive, when your parents have you? Is that the rule? Could it be that many people fall into a routine of the mass and become only part of a system without ever considering what they are, and what lives mean to them? Are they living dead people?

Certainly, life is something relative and objective where you can get to chose what it is for you. But do you ever consider yourself grateful for it? What happens or what does it has to happen for you to wake up and understand that the only thing that we have assured physically is death. This week two stories, two second birthdays where celebrated. A girl, that on a 10th of July of 1995 was reborn again. She died for 30 minutes and she saw a tunnel and an angel. And that’s a complete different column when we analyze if we are selfish enough to think that we are the only “thing” in this world; if we “operate” by pure coincidence and what God has to do with everything. God deserves many columns, and has a lot to do with this theme (for me, you may defer) but we’ll discuss that another day. She died, and had to go through another operation on aJune 25th of 2001, and also on July 29th on 2005. Many dates, many opportunities. But certainly, the first one was the most incredible experience, a wake up call, she lives everyday thinking that she has a mission and that she could die tomorrow. What a way to live right? Does she sins by thinking she can die or by having it too present? Did it take a near death experience to see it? Was it worth it?

If flirting with death may give you life, a “shake”, not an adrenaline rush (like people who live by death in drugs and danger) then so be it. I believe is better to feel life more because of something, that to live without thinking anything at all, or thinking only of yourself. And then we go back to the cycle. We all need people but we seem to think that they need us, or that they want to use us, or after having a chosen few we neglect others which need to be remembered that they are also important. Wonder why so many suicides? Isn’t that a sign that someone needs to rethink what life is? What about when someone tries to take your life? Could that be a wake up call or you come back to life with vengeance? Another story of a second birthday this week was about that. The first one was because of an illness. The second story is about a guy that tried to kill this person. When asked- he could only say- “if I had to go through it again to feel what I felt, the Grace of God, I wouldn’t think it twice”.

Can you say that today? What do you believe life is? What’s your definition? What are you doing today that will make you a better person or that will help another person’s life? Have you thanked God or anyone, have you told a person you know that has battled death, that you’re happy there with you now. How can we ever analyze any theme without thinking of who you are and how you appreciate what you have? So who are you? I’m eager to know. What makes you who you are, what experiences have marked you? Some scars will never go, and for this two people and their testimonies I can assure you that every time those scars appear in a mirror, they become a reflection and a reminder of what we need to say everyday- THANK YOU. Is a need to scream, thank you for a second chance. You don’t need to go through this to start today. And for those who have had similar near death experiences, by sickness or because of other people that play with life, I’m so grateful that you’re here.