To be the one of many

There is one big problem with having a lot of interests; you can meet a lot of people that think you are awesome. Some people can’t handle complexities; they want a partner that fits a role given by example, society and TV series. But what happens to the people like me that cannot fill a mold? We are out of the box of what people want or expect; for some a problem, for others the reason we become “the one”.

I have come to realize at this point in my life, that a compromise that lasts forever is hard. That many people get scared when they see how complex I am; and that those that are attracted by the complex being I’ve become, have had one thing in common, think I will be with them forever. But most people that have said I am the one they were waiting for, make clear in some way, that I’m great for them; but are they great for me?

We fight every day with our SELF, and I put it in caps lock to make clear that our being, who we are is something we rarely spend time with. A lot of people I’ve seen have never stopped to question who they are. Maybe is a system, a system based on an economic system or a political strategy so that the media can feed you easily an opinion that is massively reproduced and that becomes “public opinion” that is moved only for election ballots. Maybe, companies want you to buy shit and in order to do so they always make you believe you don’t have enough or you aren’t enough and that buying stuff gives you some power that is not translated in self esteem. Maybe, your parents were denied a healthy childhood and when they had you they were more focused on your food and clothes (again material things) that your well being as a whole.

I believe in a holistic self; one composed by three aspects: physical, emotional and spiritual. When we deny one of those three there is a lack of balance; that’s what I have experienced or seen in others. I’m no expert of a subject of “the self”, but I have definitely had to encounter who I was and I meet myself everyday in the mirror. I didn’t do that all the time, many years I had to wake up in what everybody thought was a normal day and a normal life, to encounter a fight-with the world and for the world. I’ve been through things that many people will go through separately but that happened to me all in one lifetime and it’s ok; I think I know more because of that and that I use it in favor of what I feel is my purpose. However, I have come to the point were I have had to confront something I hadn’t looked much into: my age.

When I was 13 I tried to plan my life; now I know maybe I was trying to escape my present by focusing in the future. I was sure about one thing, my wish to have a great education in order to have options in my professional life. I wanted to do all degrees possible (till a PhD) and I wanted to make that my finishing personal line What I mean is, I always thought that my final graduation was actually a graduation from a personal individual life and that only having that finish line passed I could engage into someone else’s life. I planned to have a family, get married, kids, etc. only if I finished my degree. The crisis has come now, where I am a year from obtaining that line, and instead of seeing it as the end, I see it in some way as the beginning of something new. I see this year as “The year” to explore things I haven’t done. Maybe is not healthy to label things with “THE”in the beginning, THE year, THE one, THE program- these labels give us something- pressure.

Having said that I’ll go to the point of my analysis of what has become of me in some way: “the one of many”. I met one boy in high school that was something cruel with what he said: “you change who you are for others, you do things they like, etc. like one thing”. He was wrong, I don’t change, I am who I am, but I like learning so much that I am open to explore new experiences, the problem comes when I give my attention and my time to learn and to give company and many people can’t keep up with me. Recently on facebook, a guy told me, I was “cute but intimidating” I asked why: he said I have done a lot of things and that any guy would be intimidated to have someone be superior- oh yeah machismo 101.

This has been a common thing, the gender stereotype that people expect of me for being a girl that needs rescue. I in other hand, AM the superhero in many cases; and some people aren’t happy with the idea of a superwomen and others use me in a way so I can rescue them. In the time I’ve been single, a lot of people say I fit a list of things they look for, but I have such a long list of things that in a way I don’t think is hard to fill that.

This theme is very complex and I don’t think this will fit in one post, however I’ve come to realize that what I want the most, is to know what I want. I don’t want to fit in a list in an other person “wishes” of a partner if I am not heard about mine. I prefer to be single for as long as it takes, than to engage in a relationship because “I have to”, or because I “should”. If there something I know is that I’m far away from normal, but I’m not the only one that has a different sense of life, one that seeks meaning and that runs from being the status quo. Which is why I encourage you to think, if the people that see you are seeing you as a whole or are they sticking with what they want in order to “survive” together. Do they make you grow, do they teach you something. You don’t have to rescue each other- you have to fight together. You don’t have to fit a list made by some, you have to create your own list. You should be able to be strong or weak –without FEAR that they like you just when you are one or the other; without fear that you have to hide. That’s what makes my “one” –of those they aren’t many-I’m sure it will be worth the wait.