I’ve been thinking of this for a month, but today I had to write.
I read in the news today. A 22 year old women named by the press Miss Li from Changhun, China; attempted suicide today because her fiancée, weeks before the wedding announced he left her and was marrying someone else. She tried jumping of a tall building and stood by a window on her wedding dress but her attempt was stopped (yes!).
So it is with more relevance that today I want to discuss the difference of being alone versus lonely, some toxicities of relationships and benefits and how come the feeling of belonging/possession gets confused with security matters (I’ll explain).
First, being alone versus being lonely. Some people aren’t used to being with groups all the time and fight for their own personal space, and sometimes this creates criticism from people or friends because they think they are anti-social. I know of people who like being alone, not necessarily ALL the time (we are indeed social subjects-even if we engage in online conversations a lot-is an outreach to “the other”) but that when alone they don’t feel like they are missing something, or frustrated, uncomfortable. This type of people could enjoy going to places alone if needed and enjoy booking activities that they relate with peaceful moments like reading, exercises, going to a park, watching a movie, cooking, ANYTHING. However, other people get really stressful if they have to engage into activities alone. People who would not go to an activity (movies, mall, etc) if they don’t have someone to go to. People who would really be aware of the space of a place if it’s “too big” for them, cause they will feel lonely versus alone.
On this matter, I have to ask how many people or relationships we (everybody) make based on this need of not being alone, rather than having a healthy partnership/communication. And with that in mind, what are the benefits of who is alone? Most people agree that the “alone” time we look for helps us vent stress from work or other situations and makes us think. I believe this is a powerful tool. What if the problem of those who cannot be alone is that they can’t stop thinking of other people or of their feeling of being alone more than in a place, in the world? What if the problem is that they either low self-esteem, and extreme sense of shyness or lacks of securities? What if theirs no motivation? Reason why some people would rather go ANYWHERE rather than making PLANS on something or engaging in new activities as long as they are with someone? On that matter, is that the reason (those that hate being alone) that they change who they are and mold themselves to please their partner (romantically) or friends? Is it a way to explore new interest? I like being alone, but I don’t feel lonely.
However, if we deny the need of a caress, a kiss or a hug from others or if we think that to say we need that is a sign of weakness, then I believe we are fools. I cannot lie and say I don’t dream of a time where I enjoy company. However being alone sometimes helps me define who I am and what I want. And as a psychologist said to me, which I find to be the best advice, “if you don’t know exactly what you want or where you are going, at least define what you DON’T want” so you can escape falling into the trap of becoming or doing things for others and not for you.
And to my last point related to security, especially for women, I’ve known a lot of cases of women who have “felt” the need to say they are with someone to reject a person that is making an approach they don’t want. Even women who have or feel they have to use a ring to make “people” go away, and they still find encounters. A ring doesn’t make the person be “taken” it is the level of compromise of ones feelings to the other, reason why people with rings (engaged or married) still can be unfaithful. However, it sucks that women encounter the common denominator of experiences, where the only way a guy (random) stops trying to get with them is when they say they are with them (somebody) not because they respect that she doesn’t want to engage with that person, but of fear of getting into fights with another person. So if a women, doesn’t wear a ring (engagement or marriage) and she says no, almost immediately she will be asked “why, you have a boyfriend” (some will ad to that that they don’t care) but then she’ll have to say NO because I don’t want to. I guess you don’t have to have a man in your life to prevent someone else from entering. Is the same concept, or misconception for that matter, that you need to have somebody, rather than you just want to.
In that case, is good to note that if whoever is with somebody they have to be careful with other people’s heart, but the biggest mistake will be neglecting what we feel. WE could try hiding problems, sugar coating issues, engaging into things we are not, but at the end, “payback is a bitch” in our solitude and reflection if theirs something we cannot do is escape from ourselves and who we are.
And with that I conclude, that company should be something we decide to do freely. That we engage because we want to not because someone makes us, or try to convince us. It is not about only doing stuff but of feeling it, and if we can’t even bare ourselves alone, if we can’t stand it, then who can? If we don’t explore who we are how we will move forward to what we could be or want to be. I’ve learned so far, plans don’t go our way all the time, and feelings cannot be trapped in static places, they are interactive and they have the right to change. However, like Miss Li, the problem is when who we love or feel for doesn’t respond to our love the same way and we feel betrayed or left alone, we can even feel scared to feel again, or to feel at all.
I think however excluding yourself from a feeling that comes from you (especially after an analysis of what you are or want or what makes you happy) is worst that living in fear. I’m not afraid of breaking my heart for loving, or that someone does it, or that someones changes. By this point I wish I could control feelings but the magic of them is that they are hybrid and are constructed over an awesome spectrum of moments that we never forget, but we can’t go back to. So, today, I ask of you to think if you feel alone or lonely, cause they are not the same. Are you having toxic relationships to fight your loneliness or are you happy (even if that doesn’t come back). Don’t neglect the power of feeling for what could go wrong, I feel, and that very word “I” needs of a collective and of others, and we like a hugs and a kisses, but at least I think we should give the best of us and for that you need to know what you like or not, and I believe that’s the best we can do for the other person; because we will give them ourselves at our whole, and we will know they love us for exactly what we are. They say theirs no greater feeling. It is powerful enough when you accept who you are, imaging knowing someone understand or loves you for that.
Miss Li, he was not worth terminating your life I’m glad they “saved you” now is time you know and save yourself.