Alone but not lonely

I’ve been thinking of this for a month, but today I had to write.

I read in the news today. A 22 year old women named by the press Miss Li from Changhun, China; attempted suicide today because her fiancée, weeks before the wedding announced he left her and was marrying someone else. She tried jumping of a tall building and stood by a window on her wedding dress but her attempt was stopped (yes!).

So it is with more relevance that today I want to discuss the difference of being alone versus lonely, some toxicities of relationships and benefits and how come the feeling of belonging/possession gets confused with security matters (I’ll explain).

First, being alone versus being lonely. Some people aren’t used to being with groups all the time and fight for their own personal space, and sometimes this creates criticism from people or friends because they think they are anti-social. I know of people who like being alone, not necessarily ALL the time (we are indeed social subjects-even if we engage in online conversations a lot-is an outreach to “the other”) but that when alone they don’t feel like they are missing something, or frustrated, uncomfortable. This type of people could enjoy going to places alone if needed and enjoy booking activities that they relate with peaceful moments like reading, exercises, going to a park, watching a movie, cooking, ANYTHING. However, other people get really stressful if they have to engage into activities alone. People who would not go to an activity (movies, mall, etc) if they don’t have someone to go to. People who would really be aware of the space of a place if it’s “too big” for them, cause they will feel lonely versus alone.

On this matter, I have to ask how many people or relationships we (everybody) make based on this need of not being alone, rather than having a healthy partnership/communication. And with that in mind, what are the benefits of who is alone? Most people agree that the “alone” time we look for helps us vent stress from work or other situations and makes us think. I believe this is a powerful tool. What if the problem of those who cannot be alone is that they can’t stop thinking of other people or of their feeling of being alone more than in a place, in the world? What if the problem is that they either low self-esteem, and extreme sense of shyness or lacks of securities? What if theirs no motivation? Reason why some people would rather go ANYWHERE rather than making PLANS on something or engaging in new activities as long as they are with someone? On that matter, is that the reason (those that hate being alone) that they change who they are and mold themselves to please their partner (romantically) or friends? Is it a way to explore new interest? I like being alone, but I don’t feel lonely.

However, if we deny the need of a caress, a kiss or a hug from others or if we think that to say we need that is a sign of weakness, then I believe we are fools. I cannot lie and say I don’t dream of a time where I enjoy company. However being alone sometimes helps me define who I am and what I want. And as a psychologist said to me, which I find to be the best advice, “if you don’t know exactly what you want or where you are going, at least define what you DON’T want” so you can escape falling into the trap of becoming or doing things for others and not for you.

And to my last point related to security, especially for women, I’ve known a lot of cases of women who have “felt” the need to say they are with someone to reject a person that is making an approach they don’t want. Even women who have or feel they have to use a ring to make “people” go away, and they still find encounters. A ring doesn’t make the person be “taken” it is the level of compromise of ones feelings to the other, reason why people with rings (engaged or married) still can be unfaithful. However, it sucks that women encounter the common denominator of experiences, where the only way a guy (random) stops trying to get with them is when they say they are with them (somebody) not because they respect that she doesn’t want to engage with that person, but of fear of getting into fights with another person. So if a women, doesn’t wear a ring (engagement or marriage) and she says no, almost immediately she will be asked “why, you have a boyfriend” (some will ad to that that they don’t care) but then she’ll have to say NO because I don’t want to. I guess you don’t have to have a man in your life to prevent someone else from entering. Is the same concept, or misconception for that matter, that you need to have somebody, rather than you just want to.

In that case, is good to note that if whoever is with somebody they have to be careful with other people’s heart, but the biggest mistake will be neglecting what we feel. WE could try hiding problems, sugar coating issues, engaging into things we are not, but at the end, “payback is a bitch” in our solitude and reflection if theirs something we cannot do is escape from ourselves and who we are.

And with that I conclude, that company should be something we decide to do freely. That we engage because we want to not because someone makes us, or try to convince us. It is not about only doing stuff but of feeling it, and if we can’t even bare ourselves alone, if we can’t stand it, then who can? If we don’t explore who we are how we will move forward to what we could be or want to be. I’ve learned so far, plans don’t go our way all the time, and feelings cannot be trapped in static places, they are interactive and they have the right to change. However, like Miss Li, the problem is when who we love or feel for doesn’t respond to our love the same way and we feel betrayed or left alone, we can even feel scared to feel again, or to feel at all.

I think however excluding yourself from a feeling that comes from you (especially after an analysis of what you are or want or what makes you happy) is worst that living in fear. I’m not afraid of breaking my heart for loving, or that someone does it, or that someones changes. By this point I wish I could control feelings but the magic of them is that they are hybrid and are constructed over an awesome spectrum of moments that we never forget, but we can’t go back to. So, today, I ask of you to think if you feel alone or lonely, cause they are not the same. Are you having toxic relationships to fight your loneliness or are you happy (even if that doesn’t come back). Don’t neglect the power of feeling for what could go wrong, I feel, and that very word “I” needs of a collective and of others, and we like a hugs and a kisses, but at least I think we should give the best of us and for that you need to know what you like or not, and I believe that’s the best we can do for the other person; because we will give them ourselves at our whole, and we will know they love us for exactly what we are. They say theirs no greater feeling. It is powerful enough when you accept who you are, imaging knowing someone understand or loves you for that.

Miss Li, he was not worth terminating your life I’m glad they “saved you” now is time you know and save yourself.

C'est la vie

C’est la vie means “such is life”. After counting weeks and weeks of possible topics a topic found me: death. It is interesting to start talking about life in connection with death but they are connected.

The concept of life itself has many views, from those who believe in a divine intervention on the creation of new life, the role of motherhood in the identity of women and the circumstances in which a baby is born. After being born, we start a process of developing identities and within that identity formed by social structures and education, as well as our support group, we get to find a purpose. The belief that we lack a purpose is an option on itself, for we act in terms of what we believe and what is around us. We use definitions and cultural symbols, while we pursue goals inside definitions we give to things.

Then why is death so feared, if it’s the one thing we know is going to happen. Is it feared because is the circumstance of our life that we cannot change, and by that we try to avoid it, so it doesn’t get to us as a surprise? Death itself can be seen worst or better by how we lived. How we feel we lived is one important thing that will make our goodbyes easier. We will always have something unaccomplished because our desires can overcome our capacities, but we can “rest” better if we feel we did what we wanted to do. The reality of life can be divided into what is and what we would want to happen.

We could wish some laws change, but it won’t happen on its own. We can wish for health, but we have to prevent disease. We could want love and a fairy tale, but we could be lacking passion. We could wish becoming millionaires, but we need to work a lot to obtain it, or come with a great idea like “Facebook” by Mark Zuckerberg which is a rare case of a billionaire in a short period of time. However, he is an example on how when nobody believed him, he went ahead with his idea and did it. I guess we really can’t expect to follow a certain plan?

Can we measure life with what we gain? There is a song called the “Age of Aquarius” that says how do we measure life, and it says “what about love?” Why don’t we measure life with feelings, what we feel is blessings, accomplishments, desire, passion, will. We come back at the very beginning, definitions, what it is, how we define it. It’s those 5W’s of journalists, that we encounter everyday: who, what, when, where, why?

Then you have those that die while they are living. They die slowly because they are in a position they don’t want to be. They die when they don’t know themselves. They die when they live in fear of emotions. They get killed with deception of people who betray them. A piece of them dies when their vision of life, not their life per se (breathing, biology, etc) is different from what they are.

So now I come to “el día de los muertos”, another interesting perspective started by Mexicans about death seemed as a celebration and a tribute to those who used to live. It started with a common practice of conserving skulls as trophies to showcase them in rituals that symbolize death and being reborn. At the end of the day, what we mourn the most is the opportunity of repeating moments, or creating moments that will not come back because of death. On that matter, some opportunities may not come back because of time and changes. You could go to the same city, same place, you could go home for Christmas and everything will be a memory of what it was.

So today, I make a call and a toast for death. All kinds of death, the ones that are physical and the ones we encounter each day. Is the day to reinvent yourself, define what you want and go for it. If there is something you don’t like about your life right now, let it go, declare it dead. Then celebrate, as “el día de los muertos”, what it was, celebrate it was part of your history and move on to what you want now. BECAUSE WE ARE ALIVE, WE ARE SUBJECTS OF CHANGE. There are a lot of changes around us, but we have the right to change or minds and feelings.

Now, this fairy, for the end of the year, understands that not every fairytale should end up with a crystal shoe. I feel free as a crow (my favorite bird), unique as a blue rose (my favorite flower) and I celebrate those who passed away and thank them for what they gave me. Now I’ll expect someone that understands that this shoe for every princess is something that should be personalized. No crystal heals for me, give me boots. That’s how I will be alive till I die.

Let’s start the journey now, the adventure, before we grow old thinking what we should have done instead of celebrating what we have accomplished.

What if versus What is

I’ve had this title for some time in my head now. I couldn’t help but wonder what was the definition of reality I could find on dictionaries that will help this post.

What I found was that reality was defined as:

1) The quality or state of being real;

2) a real event, entity, or state of affairs;

3) something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily;

4) all of your experiences that determine how things appear to you; "his world was shattered"; and then this one appeared;

5) the state of the world as it really is rather than as you might want it to be.

It was a perfect definition for what I’ve had in my mind for a while. Going to Chicago made me learn about realities versus desires and the capacity of “sticking” to reality one could have or one could wish having. On a “business-training” trip I found a handsome man who spoke to me for a while, but was surrounded by women looking at him and appreciating his looks. I was surprised to see him show around his cell phone, and to share several conversations, where he proudly talked about his life as a father of 7 and one on the way in his marriage of 10 years; he was 35. I was amazed on how he handled his reality and started thinking how we handle our own.

Once I was told I had to be careful and that is was normal, that for someone who writes, I could have constant battles with reality: defined as a mental health professional as what was happening versus what I or someone wanted to believe or create -the opposite of real-, the fantasy. She said something that blew my mind too, “what if we need the fantasy? The fantasy by itself is not bad as long as we identify it as a wish and desire, versus as something that is real”. Confusing, but beautiful. How could we protect the mind from fantasies and the great gift of imagination without being affected. Why would we need a fantasy at all? I haven’t gotten to a concrete conclusion because something that is real versus something that is imagined is far from simple, however, I’ve found many people that hold to either of this concepts far to many times, too strongly, and then others that could get confused on the what is or what if’s of life.

We could hold on to reality: paying the bills, surviving, being secure, trying to avoid mistakes by being “too” real; too attached to what is happening leaving no space for dreams and wishes that could be fulfilled but that we kill because we are too hurt or to afraid. Then they are others attached to bubbles, fantasies, wishes that affect our way of living, like people who are attached to shopping and luxuries who can’t even afford them, just to live the fantasy of the "what if’s" and appearances. Then the others, that cannot stand by themselves and try to create a fantasy world where they can escape too. Many people see that other world sometimes in addictions, but making fantasies could be an addiction by itself. Then you walk in a fine line between what is happening and what you wish was happening and frustration hits you unexpectedly or repeatedly because you tried to live two lives; sometimes to avoid loneliness, sometimes cause we are afraid of choosing wrong, sometimes cause we are really insane.

At the end of the day we can be confused, and it’s normal, we live in a world of many brands, and sadly but true, we can confuse the way something material works with how much a human needs and it’s complexity. That is why when we get to chose something we can feel that we are missing out on many things, we do indeed have many options, many roads and many paths but when we choose “our reality” we should do it, not based on definition of what is happening, but our own truth. When our truth is not complete, our reality will reflect that, either with our need to escape from who we are and who we have became or while we kill the capacity of change that we gain from dreaming.

Some people like living unattached, trying to avoid choosing anything at all, especially those things that attached themselves with someone, who will make escaping harder. And then, they are those who spend time in what other people wished for themselves rather than writing their own life’s, someone writes it for them. To know that we have a power to choose and change what we live is far greater than any fantasy, any wish list, any “real situation” that could be an obstacle. So let’s focus today not in our “so called reality”, because maybe by creating fantasies we are actually trying to change our lives into what we want from them.

Let’s chose today to define what makes us (US) and what is our real truth. I wish more people will show other people their lives rather than inventing one. I wish the one that we are creating in our minds became a reality if that’s what makes someone happy. We also have to create a balance, between our minds and our hearts, cause in the end we might be thinking so much we are forgetting to feel.

To end I’ll leave you with a quote from the upcoming movie Eat, Pray, Love in theaters near you this weekend: “If you could clear out all that space in your mind, you’d had a doorway, and you know what the universe would do? Rush in. Everything else will take care of itself”.

Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating When I was 21

This is so good and right with editorial content that I had to publish it, by Erin Meanly from Glamour.

See original posting here

1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.
2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)
3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues.
4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help.
5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal.
6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf.
7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning.
8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays -- even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild.
9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.
10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months.
11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.
12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.
13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores.
14. Guys get resentful, too.
15. You're special, unique, and important, but you're not a princess -- no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me "Erin").
16. It's okay to say no. It's more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you're only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!
17. Playing it safe guarantees you'll have more time and energy to think about your grades or your work. Less drama in your life will always be better and healthier for you.
18. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
19. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don't express them because you think it will scare him away, then you're saying you don't count as much as he does.
20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I've known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.
21.
You can't force chemistry.
You can't force chemistry. If you like him as a friend, the attraction might grow, but if it doesn't, don't force it. And don't waste his time.
22. Ease up on the sauce. Alcohol clouds your judgment.
23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. text.
24. When a guy has taken you to Applebee's five times and you say you want to treat him, he'll be psyched. But secretly he'll freak out if you take him to Ruth's Chris, even just the one teeny time. Don't try to match him one Ruth's Chris for five Applebee's. Take him out, but go to T.G.I. Friday's.
25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.
26. My mom always said, "Men don't think." I thought she meant, "They are mistaken in their thoughts." But they're just not thinking anything at all. About you. They're watching the game. That's why they haven't called.
27. There should be a medium ground between workaholism and his absolute devotion. "The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet" (Simone de Beauvoir, "The Second Sex", 658).
28. Never underestimate the quality of "interesting." Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.
29. What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is "him," that's a bad deal for you. "The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her" (de Beauvoir, 659).
30. Expectations? They'll ruin every dating experience you have.
31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.